Tag Archives: gift guide

12 Days of #Christmas: ON THE 2nd DAY: WINE CONDOMS AND BEER-MAKING KITS, OH MY!

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‘Tis the season to get sauced. If there ever was one.

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Winter sucks our dog’s neutered balls in so many ways, but the bone-chilling freeze-out is its worst symptom and it can only be ameliorated by 2 things:

Excessive Layers

Booze

So the 3 most-wanted gifts this Christmas and holiday season for the wino in your life are:

1. Wine Condom

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Recorking is for the birds. It was only a matter of time before we humans used our best scientific minds to create a more convenient (and hilarious) method of resealing opened wine. Most recorking tools either require some complicated gizmo or gadget and/or are too chunky to fit in the fridge (see: bottle toppers).

Enter the miracle of wine condoms… so much like the real thing you can actually carry it in your pocket or wallet (just don’t carry it in the same pocket as actual condoms). They have a shrink-to-fit technology that suits virtually any bottle giving it a water-tight seal! No spillage here… and unlike real condoms, these are good for more than just one go; Just make sure you pre-stretch each condom before use first. I mean, foreplay is important.

2. Brooklyn Brew Shop Chocolate Maple Porter Beer Making Kitbrooklyn-brew-shop-beer-making-kit.jpg

As the brief promo video demonstrates, these kits make the hands-on experience of DIY beer-brewing not only easy and fun, but extremely scrumptious. Chocolate Maple Porter has the consummate winter zest: It combines the creamy and slightly sweet traits of the Chocolate Malt in its recipe with the thick richness of the maple syrup added into the ingredients at the end of the boil. For only $40, the kit’s equipment can be reused to brew other suds, as well.

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3. Wine Bra

Rejoice, for now the term “wine rack” has taken on a very literal meaning. While seeming a bit gimmicky at first blush, The WineRack might be actually one of the most pragmatic inventions for wine-lovers, beer drinkers, and overall libation enthusiasts everywhere:

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According to the company site, “the picture shown here is of our good friend, Drea, who is not, no offense, Drea, well-endowed.”

Three Obvious Reasons Why:

1. Sip your drink of choice (a bottle of wine, several pints of beer, or your favorite hard stuff) covertly at places and in situations in which they may not be permitted.

  • According to the retail website, this makes it ideal for “ball games, the movies, concerts and even PTA meetings.”
  • We will also add that you can easily sneak The WineRack into bars to avoid overpriced drinks and even parties where you don’t want to be noticed drinking alcohol.
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“The Mindy Project” on FOX famously used this bra as a hilarious plot device in a Christmas office party episode.

2. Catch everyone’s eye when you’re not taking sips through The WineRack’s tube with the significant boost to your cup size (the bra comes in Small, Medium, and Large– you can choose how big you want your twins to go on a scale of Beyoncé to Sofia Vergara).

  • Don’t worry about your bust deflating as you drink. If you can’t immediately refill the bra, simply blow into the tube to keep it looking full.

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3. If you are at a party where people do not have sticks up their butts, you will be the life of the party with this contraption, with people lining up to drink from your bosom (in a totally mischievous, non-creepy way):

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Ingenious, indeed. This is why the free capitalist market is beautiful.

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12 Days of #Christmas: ON THE 4th AND 3rd DAY: FOR THE RABID DOG-LOVER

LIL GRIPES DASH

Do you have a friend whose Instagram is basically their dog? (In our case, that’d be us)

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Short of getting that friend another dog (for the record, we wouldn’t mind it…), you can sate that canine fetish with gifts only the most devout of dog lovers would truly appreciate and deserve.

P.S. If you plan on acquiring a canine companion this holiday season, please, please, please do not do so via a breeder or a pet store. Dog purchases made through either proliferate the dreadful existence of puppy mills. Take it from personal experience: Most so-called breeders are just glorified puppy-millers… and you do not want us to show you pictures of what happens at puppy mills.

Onto happier stuff about puppies…

1. For the Art Enthusiast:

Custom Doggie Portrait

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Flaunt your pooch’s likeness in trendy fashion by having artist Kari Egan make an entirely original illustration off a photo of your dog (or cat). The artist customizes each portrait so that it “truly captures your dog’s unique look and personality.” According to Egan, “I usually feel the dog inhabit the drawing and from there it draws itself!” There is zero photo editing and/or manipulation involved in the process, be it with Photoshop or other software, giving each portrait that warm, fuzzy homespun feel.

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2. For the Dog Psychologist:

A Dog’s Guide to Humans (Fun Reads for Dog Lovers) (Volume 1)

Any dog owner worth his or her kibble points would give an arm and leg to even nab a sneak peek at what our dogs must think of us, as individual human beings and as a species. English canine behaviorist Karen Davison teamed up with Bob, her West Highlander Terrier, to “dogsplain” all the things humans do that must confound our pooches at first sight, including a comprehensive breakdown of human anatomy (e.g. humans’ bipedal use of “hind paws” to move) as well as tips and tricks on manipulating human owners into getting the best out of them.

The opening excerpt:

“Canines began to domesticate people some 14,000 years ago and, over time, have developed a mutually beneficial relationship with these monkey-type mammals. They are omnivores and are successful hunter-gatherers, so they generally supply bountiful food caches and usually provide more-than-adequate dens for us to share with them.”

3. For the Disciplinarian with a Funny Bone:

Dog Shaming 2017 Day-to-Day Calendar

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courtesy of DogShaming.Com

DogShaming.com is the hilarious 2016 Internet phenomenon that has enabled stern dog owners everywhere to publicly incriminate their canines with signs detailing their misdeeds. The best part of “dog shaming” is that all photos must be taken at the scene of the humiliating crime. Now, naturally, it’s spun off quite a few merchandising options, including a Day-to-Day Calendar. I mean, who doesn’t want 365 different captures of misbehaved pooches wearing the secular equivalent of hair shirts?

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Who doesn’t want 365 different captures of misbehaved pooches wearing the secular equivalent of hair shirts?

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4. For the Parents of Roamers:

Whistle GPS Pet Tracker

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Electric shock collars included, we are not big fans of most dog-oriented tech. Most are severely overpriced for doing a service the owner’s own instinct should be able to command. The Whistle GPS Pet Tracker is not one of these sham gadgets. At $100 upfront with a subscription cost of $8/month, we think it is reasonably priced for owners whose dogs frequent spacious pastures with lots of nooks and crannies in which to get lost. The GPS collar clip and charger station allow you to not only locate your dog in just minutes of activation, but also details their precise movements and monitors their exercise on any given day. It even comes with text and email alert options!

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5. For The Dog Who Has Everything:

Barkbox

With this subscription service starting at $20/box each month, every fresh delivery brings a buttload of exquisitely themed toys and treats for Poochie and You. For example, this December’s theme was LODGE LIFE:

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Our personal favorite is the Poo York City BarkBox:

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HOLIDAY GIFT IDEAS FOR HIM AND HER: day 6 – “For the Reader” edition

DAY 6 of Holiday Gift Ideas For Him and Her brings you stacks on stacks of reading porn for those in your life who haven’t completely succumbed to the culture of 140 characters or less.

Books are still a safe under-the-tree bet, even for members of Generation ADD. There is a subject for everyone and for every subject, there is aplenty attention-holding quality literature.

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Look, I’m a Millennial who owns (and reads) books!

IN ORDER FROM A-Z by GENRE:

  • Biography
  • Business
  • History
  • Literature/Fiction
  • Poetry
  • Science Fiction & Fantasy
  • Self-Help

BIOGRAPHY

Destiny and Power: The American Odyssey of George Herbert Walker Bush, by Jon Meacham ($17.99-$37.93)

#1 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER

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“Pulitzer Prize-winner Meacham paints a well-rounded portrait of our 41st president in this even-handed, meticulously researched biography.”

–BarnesandNoble.com

Why Not Me?, by Mindy Kaling ($9.31-$20.48)

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Mindy Kaling, of “The Office” and “The Mindy Project,” (also author of the much-beloved New York Times bestseller Why Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?) has consistently delighted us over and over again as a quirky Hollywood comedienne who somehow still relates to the Everywoman. In Why Not Me?, she continues to recount tales of being a Hollywood misfit at times, workplace romances gone crazy, and general anxieties over womanhood in a way as droll as it is personal and relatable.

Sinatra: The Chairman, by James Kaplan ($15.99-$21.45)

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THE perfect holiday gift to commemorate the Chairman’s centennial.

BUSINESS

Good Profit: How Creating Value for Others Built One of the World’s Most Successful Companies, by Charles G. Koch ($13.99-$28.33)

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The inspirational and motivating story of one of the most successful companies in the world, Koch Industries, as told by Charles G. Koch himself.

HISTORY

Alexander Hamilton, by Ron Chernow ($13.38-$15.99)

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Pulitzer-winning writer Ron Chernow tells a galvanizing and scandalous biography of one Founding Father–the famous Federalist from the $10 bill who–fun fact–could never become President because he was born in the Virgin Islands. (My U.S. History teacher is beaming from wherever at me right now).

Between the World and Me, by Ta-Nehisi Coates ($11.99-$14.40)

#1 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • NATIONAL BOOK AWARD WINNER

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You heard Toni Morrison. Required reading.

LITERATURE/FICTION

 The Nightingale, by Kristin Hannah ($9.99-$16.13)

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Arguably book of the year for 2015.

For Fictional Horror:

The Bazaar of Bad Dreams: Stories, by Stephen King ($14.99-$16.18)

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For Fictional Romance:

See Me, by Nicholas Sparks ($12.99-$14.56)

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POETRY

Milk and Honey, by Rupi Kaur ($8.49-$12.34)

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An Introduction to Poetry (13th Edition), by X. J. Kennedy & Dana Gioia ($61.93-$91.26)

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SCI-FI & FANTASY

George R. R. Martin’s A Game of Thrones 5-Book Boxed Set (Song of Ice and Fire series): A Game of Thrones, A Clash of Kings, A Storm of Swords, A Feast for Crows, and A Dance with Dragons

($29.73-$34.99)

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Because duh. Is there anything else genre-wise?

The Man in the High Castle, by Philip K. Dick ($8.73-$9.99)

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WINNER OF THE HUGO AWARD

Now an Amazon original series, this poignant alternate-history work portrays America in 1962. The bleak overview?

“Slavery is legal once again. The few Jews who still survive hide under assumed names. In San Francisco, the I Ching is as common as the Yellow Pages. All because some twenty years earlier the United States lost a war—and is now occupied by Nazi Germany and Japan.”

 The Martian, by Andy Weir ($8.99-$16.79)

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Yes, it’s that Matt Damon movie. Highly well-reviewed  and entertaining book, too, though.

 SELF-HELP

Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand In the Sun and Be Your Own Person, by Shonda Rhimes ($12.99-$14.83)

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2015’s The Secret. Basically. Can’t go wrong when you go Shonda.

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