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FILM: “Logan” – Who is the New Face Behind X-23?

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LilGripes.com Returns Confident and Celebrating X-23,  Logan (no spoilers!)’s Tween Weapon

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LilGripes.com is back, shedding our wintry writer’s block… and what better way to jumpstart our brand-new confidence, in a brand-new year replete with brand-new looks (see Lil’s Lookbook and Video), than by feting the first superhero event of 2017? Yes, we are talking Marvel/20th Century Fox’s Logan. More specifically, we are talking the li’l wunderkind at the heart of Logan: Wolverine (Hugh Jackman)’s daughter-clone, “X-23″/Laura Kinney, portrayed prodigiously by brand-new face Dafne Keen.

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Remember that name. In 10 years, this girl will be wearing the hottest designer dress of 2027 as she accepts her Oscar for Best Actress in a Motion Picture. To be frank, she should also be winning an Academy Award next year for her turn as the conflicted young mutant. An effectively mute character (scroll to bottom for X-23’s backstory), Laura’s personality is expressed through facial expressions and guttural noises for much of the film. What could have been a forgettable mini she-bot was imprinted on the big screen with feral doe-eyes and a simultaneously tender temperament.

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When Keen does speak as Laura, she does so in English and Spanish, with lilts both sad and humorous in both languages. Not to mention, it is simply delightful to watch a 4’2″ girl do literal spins and acrobatic circles around baddies ten-fold her size while skewering them with metallic claws.

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So… Who is this talented little woman of mystery?

1. Ella habla español: Dafne Keen, née Daphne Keen Fernández in Spain to Will Keen, a British actor, and María Fernández Ache, a Spanish actress/theater director, turns 12 this year. Keen split her upbringing between the UK and Madrid, her bilingual nature a huge relief to James Mangold, Logan‘s director, who requested an actress between 11-12 who not only could rattle off both Spanish and English vernacular fluently but also looked of ambiguous Hispanic origin.

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2. She was born to tumble: She was a gifted gymnast at just 10 years old, when she sent in her audition tape to U.K. casting director Priscilla John. According to Vanity Fair, John watched the tape, enraptured as she watched this four-foot child scale a tall bookcase in her living room while casually picking up and fingering different objects around her. On her way down to the ground, she gracefully descended into a tumbling run. Needless to say, most of X-23’s violently acrobatic sequences did not require a double.

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3. She’s a cute eater: The endearing Pringles scene in the extended trailer? It was indubitably based on another part of Keen’s own audition tape where she chomped down crackers without a word while her eyes darted wildly around her. “She was devouring everything in that room,” John recalls. “She had an innocence and a vulnerability, and I said, ‘People are going to fall in love with her.'”

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4. She is a true novice:  If you Google Dafne Keen, there is still very little public info on the rising star. Logan is her big-screen debut and her only other credited work was a role on The Refugees, a short-lived Spanish TV series on which she collaborated with her father (who was also on Netflix’s The Crown).

5. She can hold her own: Based on the audience’s and critics’ reception of X-23, Keen has already accrued a passionate fanbase, good tidings for a potential X-Men franchise mounted on her character. In what is famously Hugh Jackman’s and Sir Patrick Stewart’s last turns as Wolverine and Professor X respectively, Keen still sways the screen every frame in which she appears, her porcelain features either lighting up with animalistic rage or evoking the childlike innocence of a sheltered lab experiment.

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Like Wolverine, Laura/X-23 possesses retractable adamantium claws, instantaneous regeneration/healing, and enhanced strength/senses

That brings us to X-23/Laura Kinney’s long story sorta short:

X-23 is Weapon X‘s 23rd (but first successful) attempt at creating a human mutant with Wolverine’s powers. Created in a lab, birthed by a surrogate mother she will never know and raised in a military facility unsuitable for children, 11-year-old Laura and other mutant youngsters only managed to escape their makers with the help of their nurses when the program decided to terminate these “experiments.” Bleak stuff.

On the run with Logan and Professor X in this film, Laura learns the outside world while Logan learns fatherhood (she is created with his DNA, after all). Armed with two adamantium claws on each hand and one on each foot, as opposed to Wolverine’s three on each hand, she is just similar enough to her violent, volatile yet ultimately virtuous pops to honor his legacy amongst this new generation of mutants.

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Isn’t this how all father-daughter time goes?

Aww…

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P.S. My brief spoiler-free Logan review (I wore yellow and black to rep Wolverine’s original costume):

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The Coolest Weapons Female Superheroes Have

Boys love their toys, a time-honored adage to which all superhero mythology can attest.

Batman is literally a walking vigilante-toy store, what between the Batmobile and his Utility Belt. Green Lantern has a magical ring, Thor has that unpronounceable hammer of his, and Captain America’s got an indestructible shield. For all their ass-kicking powers, most prominent superheroines don’t get to play with as many fun gadgets and gizmos.

Captain Boomerang and Green Arrow are named for their famously nifty weapons, after all (to be fair, so is Katana). SuperGirl is 100 (1,000?) armies onto herself (if those armies had heat vision and indestructibility), Jean Grey moves things with her mind, and Scarlet Witch, well, can do anything (we mean, anything) with her mind.

Harley Quinn carries a mallet/baseball bat as pretty and crazy as she and Gamora of Guardians of the Galaxy packs as many knives as her assassin-friendly leather outfit will allow. But with the following extremely cool exceptions, it only takes a cursory look of the comics and their live-action TV/movie adaptations to realize female superheroes don’t get the geek-lusty toys the boys do:

1. ALL of Wonder Woman’s Accessories

Lasso of Truth? Invisible Plane? Bracelets of Submission? A sword called GOD KILLER? !  So… what do they all do?

Lasso of Truth: This golden, glowing Lasso compels whomever it’s bound around to tell the truth and obey the will of its wielder.

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Fun Fact: Originally belonging to the Goddess of Love, Aphrodite, the Lasso was intended by its creator, William Moulton Marston, as an allegory for the feminine wiles.

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God Killer: Capable of killing the immortal, God Killer comes in handy especially to Wonder Woman as some of her biggest foes (Hades, Ares, etc.) are of the deity variety. A pretty standard stabby-looking sword, God Killer also possesses some measure of self-consciousness, to the point where it can alter its physical form to better suit its user’s needs. (e.g. It can grow heavier to faster move the wielder’s hand toward its victim)

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Bracelets of Submission: Completely indestructible, they can absorb or deflect all kinds of projectile weaponry and what a badass name! Sure, a whole suit made of the same material may be even more useful but then Wonder Woman can’t do cool-looking moves like these:

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Invisible Plane: Way more practical than it sounds, Wondie’s invisible jet is actually an incredibly effectual advantage over enemies. Although Wonder Woman herself can fly, the jet provides protective shelter, unique onboard equipment (i.e. weaponry), and, obviously, invisibility for Wonder Woman and itself as they move silently in stealth mode.

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This drawing is misleading, as Wonder Woman herself would be invisible to anyone outside the plane.

Fun fact most people don’t know about the plane: It is psychically connected to Wonder Woman and her tiara. She can remotely control/pilot the plane through her tiara, rendering the headdress another weapon in her extensive arsenal.

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2. Black Widow’s Gauntlets

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After Wonder Woman, any other super-female’s weapons are going to pale in comparison, but they still rank high on the badassery scale, like Black Widow’s gauntlets. Criminally underused in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU), these gauntlets pack the exact technology that lends Black Widow her code name… She’s known for her sting. Their full capacities in the comics:

  • Widow’s Line – Retractable grappling hook and cable connected to the gauntlets, mostly used for rooftop gliding, rappelling and climbing up steep cliffs and hills.
  • Widow’s Kiss – An aerosol instant knock-out drug, pioneered by Russian Spetsnaz. When used, it appears to be purplish pink fumes that can knock out a person for more than twenty hours.
  • Widow’s Bite – A high-frequency electrostatic charge that also act as percussive energy blasts, the effects of which can be felt for at least a month. It can deliver charges up to 30,000 volts. The “Bite” can be set to deliver minor shocks with stunning or lethal high voltage currents.

This is most similar to what we see with the MCU Black Widow:

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In Avengers: Age of Ultron, we saw her use batons mimicking the gauntlets’ bite:

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  • Explosives – Explosives like grenades are stored in the gauntlet.
  • Tear Gas Pellets – There is also tear in the gauntlet that can cause blindness when released. It can also render the opponent unconscious.
  • Radio Transmitter – This enables Widow to lock onto a target and track its every move. If placed on a moving vehicle like a car or bike, it enables Widow to track down its location.

It is too bad that, in the MCU, her gauntlets just deliver electrocuting shocks. I know, just electrocuting shocks. Meh! At least she also has her guns, pepper spray… and an incredibly lethal body:

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3. Medusa’s Hair

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Yes, hair as a weapon. Believe it or not, the ability to mentally manipulate one’s hair at will is called something: Trichokinesis. Medusalith Amaquelin-Boltagon, Queen of the Inhuman Royal Family, can control the rate of growth and movement of each strand of her tougher-than-steel hair individually. Each strand of her hair has far greater tensile strength, elasticity and durability than an iron wire of the same thickness. Among the ways she can weaponize her hair:

  • Snap it like a whip at a rate faster than the speed of sound
  • Bind enemies or objects as if it were rope or to lift them (The weight is supported by the psionic force coursing through her hair, not by her skull, neck, or scalp. Hence, why Medusa’s hair is more an accessory than a part of her body)
  • Rotate it in a fan-like manner
  • Pick locks, type or write with a pen if her hands aren’t free, etc.

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She maintains control over her hair even if it is cut from her head. Also, due to all hair’s lack of nerves, Medusa cannot be harmed by attacks on her hair but she can “feel” sensations on it through its psionic field.

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Medusa ties up the Fantastic Four

OK… that’s a lot of sci-fi geeking out.

4. Psylocke’s sword

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Psylocke’s katana looks just like any other katana, except it is 100% psychically conjured. See, Psylocke, being a powerful telepath, can kill or harm her enemies in a vast variety of creative ways but ever since swapping bodies with a Japanese ninja, she chooses to fight up-close with a conjured blade.

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5. Witchblade

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A list of the greatest female-wielded super-weapons would be remiss if it didn’t include The Witchblade. An offspring of the “primal forces in the universe,” The Darkness and The Angelus, it usually manifests as a metal gauntlet and, being male in nature, apparently only seeks out female hosts. Most famous among the hosts was the live-action adaptation of Sara Pezzini, a NYPD homicide detective. Armed with the Witchblade, it allowed her to:

  • transform the gauntlet into a bladed weapon, chain, hook, shield or full-body suit of armor if need be or a discreet bracelet when inert
  • generate wings so she can fly
  • shoot energy blasts
  • fire projectile darts or whip-like grapples to attack or to climb
  • heal wounds on her own, including mortal ones
  • reanimate the dead
  • empathically show her scenes of great trauma and relive the experiences of past wielders as dreams
  • damage incorporeal beings
  • slay other-dimensional entities and deities

Which of these (sets of) weapons would you most want to rock?

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TV: THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WE LEARNED FROM THE 2017 #GoldenGlobes

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Meryl Streep aside, the 2017 Golden Globes was Textbook 101 in why award shows without live performances shouldn’t be on television at all.

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(TL;DR: Being a public figure calls for a modicum of self-awareness, a trait these award shows and their attendees lack in shovels and spades.)

Why do we watch ceremonies like the Golden Globes in the first place? The 3 G’s: The glitz, the glamor, the gossip.

Some of us watch for what’s apparently on-trend in upcoming fashion seasons, some to see what certain celebrities’ new faces look like, and a marginally few even watch to support their favorite works of art or to bemoan which ones got good ol’ snubs:

What don’t we watch for?

Not one of us watches in hopes that Meryl Streep will share her stunning sociopolitical belief that Hollywood actors are in the marginalized segments of society… or that Clint Eastwood will start stumping for Trump in front of a chair (Right-wing or Left, STFU about your politics at entertainment award shows! It’s not a Nobel; thank your mama and get off the stage. Hold a press conference on your own time!). None of us watch, either, for our personal stake in the movies or shows getting showered with gold (quite literally). These televised ceremonies target viewers who have nil to do with the entertainment industry. All in all… we only watch because it’s a guilty pleasure, much like the Real Housewives of [insert city].

These broadcasts, year and year again, repeatedly show a willful ignorance of this fact. Instead, they opt for self-indulgence, not unlike our buddy King Lion here:

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Tom Hiddleston, is that you? 

3 Compelling Reasons Why the “Award” Part of Award Shows Need Not Be on TV:

1.  The lack of entertainment on a show celebrating entertainment:

We love Jimmy Fallon, but boy, did he fail Sunday at this whole hosting thing. Keeping with the theme of self-indulgence, Fallon opened with, in lieu of a raunchy, satirical monologue like his predecessors, a cutesy cold open that only those who have seen the film La La Land (which is 2% of Golden Globes viewers) will appreciate. The rest of the night was spent with him doing the intermittent ’80s hip-hop parody… because.

As someone who has watched the Oscars, Grammys, Golden Globes, etc. with glee from a very young age, I have only noticed this pattern in adulthood: The shows that invite cynicism from the viewers (mainly due to boredom) are ones that provide little in the way of comedy and/or live performances.

The Oscars, while still managing to be way too long each year, at least sprinkle musical performances throughout the evening. The Tonys are very much a show in that their theatrical skits encapsulate the magic of what the night was meant to celebrate in the first place. Same can be said for the Grammys; each year, people tune in for their favorite artists’ performances of their latest and greatest, capitalizing on the Grammys’ huge production budget.

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Then there are “shows” like the Golden Globes and Emmys, which rely entirely on the talents of the host to eke by, praying for controversial moments that will end up talking points the following week. In the past, Ricky Gervais and the dynamic duo of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler have buoyed the Globes with politically incorrect jokes taking direct aim at Hollywood inhabitants in the room, assuming the point of view of those at home. When we the viewers hear Tina and Amy joke about where Leonardo DiCaprio likes his supermodels or a tipsy Ricky Gervais demand Mel Gibson explain what sugar t*ts are, we feel included in the night. A part of the glamor and self-celebration.

2. The insufferably self-important speeches relevant to no one not in the industry:

Ok, Meryl, try to “empathize” with this:

On a show in which every movie star is decked out like a show pony and liquored up to the nines, someone suddenly taking a moment to preach their political views to the masses is not only being tone-deaf, but appearing to hijack the entire night’s spotlight for themselves.

Besides Meryl Streep, Tom Hiddleston also failed to get this memo (or just ignored it in true lack of self-awareness). Accepting his trophy for his role in AMC’s The Night Manager, Hiddleston also took home the win for Biggest Humblebrag of the Night. He told a long story about how, on a trip to South Sudan, a bunch of Doctors Without Borders had approached him and claimed they binge-watched his miniseries while working to lend help to the war-torn region. Hiddleston declared how moved he was by “the idea that we could provide some relief and entertainment for people who are fixing the world in the places where it is broken.”

Essentially, he patted himself on the back for lending entertainment to the people risking their lives helping the less fortunate in Sudan. Scandal star Joshua Malina summed it best when he tweeted:

“Thank you to Tom Hiddleston and all actors who dare to perform in projects that are shown in some of the most dangerous parts of the world.”

3. The Inevitable Technical Malfunctions:

Not all actors are blessed with the gift of improv, which is fine, except when the Teleprompter fails and they have nothing to read.

Every goddamn year, without fail, the Golden Globes has at least one instance of this. This year, it happened as soon as Jimmy Fallon made his way to the stage. What we, the entertain-ees, are left with, is a steaming pile of blushed cheeks and Fallon hemming and hawing. What is it with Dick Clark Productions and uncoordinated tech? Maybe Mariah Carey is onto something. Maybe DC Productions is not trying to purposely sabotage the poor souls on stage, and ruin the viewing experience for all, but one does wonder: Are they comfortably incompetent because they are passively chasing that “moment” in this age of instant viral social media?

The 3 positives from this year’s Globes?

People who still wanted to entertain… and Me:

Sofia Vergara:

Steve Carrell and Kristen Wiig:

Blake Lively? She’s Been Slacking since Gossip Girl!

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We watch the Golden Globes because it’s a guilty pleasure, much like the Real Housewives of [insert city]… Not one of us watches in hopes that Meryl Streep will share her stunning sociopolitical belief that Hollywood actors are in the marginalized segments of society… or that Clint Eastwood will start stumping for Trump.

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FASHION: Do “Star Wars” Cosplay Everyday: We Called It; Now You Can Wear It!

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Happy New Year… Phew.

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The #WritersBlockStruggleBus was real coming back from our 2016-2017 winter hiatus. More unfortunately, the world had just lost Carrie Fisher, geeks everywhere lost their first love in Princess Leia, and the Star Wars universe is now devoid of both Han Solo and General Leia Organa… all on the tail of a triumphant reception this Christmas season of Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.

This wintry whirlwind of all things related to the galaxy far, far away makes us harken back to a happier time–one year ago, in fact, when J.J. Abrams successfully rebooted the franchise to end all franchises and made Rey (…Skywalker?) a cultural icon for new generations to come.

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LIL GRIPES DASHThe minute we laid eyes on Rey’s Desert-Punk outfit, we predicted it would beget many sexy Ready-to-Wear imitations:

(REY-diantly Hot and Chic)

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Well, don’t call us clairvoyant, but… here we are:

(These products’ official detail descriptions sound eerily similar to what we wrote, just sayin’)

Her Universe Star Wars Rey Girls Flyaway Cardigan:

Hot Topic’s Her Universe line features this cardigan from its 2015 Fashion Show Audience Winner, Leetal Platt, who turned Rey’s scavenger gear into something wearable at school and work… as well as Comic-Con.

10531540_hi“Rey’s costume immediately called for drape and the sleeves made us want it to be a sweater. We thought if the fronts were long, they could be crossed and the front, paired with a belt, and also serve as cosplay, so, double duty!”

– Leetal Platt, designer

Plus Sizes also available. Both options currently on sale!

Star Wars Rey Draped Ladies’ Sweater:

mustardbrand also produced a sartorially elegant version of Rey’s robes. This rendition is much more subtle, unless one is searching for its connection to Star Wars. In that case, you can find a faint silicon Rebel Badge on the left upper arm sleeve:

We are happily blown away by the exquisite level of detail the design took in adapting Rey’s original outfit to 2017’s fashion sensibilities:

  • The cross-body styling on the sweater’s front is a modernization of Rey’s wrap top; it leads to an asymmetrical back hemline.
  • The subtle pintucking on the forearms mimics Rey’s arm wraps. No Jakku sand included.

“The subtle silicon Rebel logo on the upper arm lets you share your allegiance with those who get close enough – but it’s not evident if they’re not looking for it!”

And coming soon from Hot Topic Her Universe:

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Anddd Coming Soon in 2017 from LilGripes.Com:

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  • Hey, So-Called “Feminists”: Give Wonder Woman Her Ambassadorship Back!
  • DC v Marvel: Who Has Better Female Heroes and Villains?
  • Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Put It Out of Its Misery

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12 Days of #Christmas: ON THE 1st DAY: FOR THE STYLISHLY OUTDOORSY IN THE SNOW

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Merry Christmas Eve! We conclude our “12 Days of Christmas” series with these last-minute gift ideas/product suggestions for this time of year:

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We like the idea of nature. We like the idea of looking stylish in nature. On Instagram photographs, that is. Let’s be honest, frolicking outdoors in Christmastime temperatures sucks, but if you have to catch a case of wanderlust even when the weather outside is frightful, keep these fashion-forward, adventure-friendly accessories in mind:

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We like the idea of looking stylish in nature. On Instagram photographs, that is.

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1. Sport Action Camera by Elecwave (red option here), $99.99, $59.99

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Multi-functional Camera: Mini size, can work as a selfie camera, sport camera, DV recorder or vehicle travelling data recorder, suitable for indoor and outdoor use

  • APP Remote Control: Download APP to your mobile device(iOS or Android OS), then connect them via built-in WiFi. Easily take photos/record videos in 720p, save and share
  • 2H Constant Working: Build with 600mAh rechargeable battery, it supports continuous 2 hours operation per full charge
  • 3 Mounting Ways: Designed with a reusable sticker, magnet and standard thread, you can freely mount the camera for convenient use

2. Phone-Holder Leggings Fierce Capris by Senita Athletics, $35

These sleek compression capris have a low-profile mesh detail that enhance breathability and modern style.

Fit and Product Details

  • 2 side mesh pockets; fits most phones perfectly (iPhone 5, 6, 6+, Galaxy S7)
  • Hidden key pocket on waistband
  • Breathable crotch gusset
  • Tagless

3. Rebecca Minkoff Cable Knit Tech Beanie, $72

rebecca-minkoff-headphones-beanieWired with headphones so you can stay connected and cozy, Rebecca Minkoff’s luxe tech beanie features a chunky cable knit topped with a plush rabbit fur pom-pom.

Chunky cable knit with fold-over brim, rabbit fur pom-pom on top

  • Wired with headphones at sides
  • Knit: acrylic/wool/nylon; trim: genuine natural rabbit fur imported from China

4. Merrell Overlook 6+ Ice+ Waterproof Boots – Men’s, $140

Winter doesn’t stand a chance in Merrell Overlook 6 Ice+ boots. You’ll be warm and on your feet all winter long with waterproof shells, Thinsulate™ insulation and Vibram® Arctic Grip soles.

Leather uppers with thermoplastic urethane waterproof shells; traditional lace closures

  • Conductor™ fleece lining adds warmth; M Select™ Warm lightweight, low-bulk 200g insulation keeps you comfortable
  • Molded nylon arch shank stabilizes your feet; Merrell air cushion in the heel absorbs shock and adds stability
  • Bellows tongue keeps debris out; single-density removable footbed
  • Vibram Arctic Grip™ outsole with 4.5mm lugs provides unparalleled traction on ice, even in the most extreme winter conditions

5. Fitbit Alta Fitness Wristband, $129.95, $119.95

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Let motivation be your best accessory. The Fitbit Alta fitness wristband automatically alerts you to get moving after periods of inactivity, but just having it on your wrist is motivation enough to move. Using Bluetooth technology, the Alta connects to your device to track tons of activities and stats right through the Fitbit app.

Its slim design and display make it comfortable and easy to wear, but it still has the ability to show steps, distance, calories burned, and active minutes, along with text, call, and calendar alerts.

in Plum, Blue, Black and Teal:

Includes Alta fitness wristband and charging cable

  • Tracks steps, distance, calories burned, and active minutes
  • SmartTrack: automatically recognizes activities and records stats in Fitbit app
  • Auto sleep tracking with silent alarms
  • Get moving reminders
  • Wireless sync
  • Smart Notifications: see call, text, and calendar alerts
  • Music control
  • Water-resistant
  • Built-in rechargeable lithium-ion battery
  • Measures approximately 7-3/4″ x 3-5/8″ x 7/8″

6. W HH WARM FREEZE 1/2 ZIP, $95

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This top-selling long sleeve technical base layer top boasts not just sleek sporty style, but also outstanding insulation and moisture management technology in one package.

The best wool baselayer on the market. Combining the unique Lifa® fiber technology next to skin to keep you dry, with a premium Merino wool exterior with superior insulating and wicking properties.

7. Forsake Patch Women’s Boots, $149.95

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Moisture-wicking mesh lining, waterproof/breathable membrane, taped seams and an antimicrobial finish help keep your feet dry and fresh

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  • Gusseted tongues
  • Open-cell polyurethane footbeds; compression EVA midsoles; composite shanks
  • Peak-to-Pavement outsoles
  • Alternate laces included

8. Smith I/O7 ChromaPop Goggles with Bonus lens, $230

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Optimized performance and fit for skiing or snowboarding

  • ChromaPop tech increases contrast and makes colors pop
  • TLT lens tech for crystal clear vision
  • Single-pivot quick release lens change system
  • 5X anti-fog inner lens and AirEvac venting
  • Three-layer DriWix face foam wicks sweat
  • Porex filter prevents optical distortion
  • Adjustable strap is helmet-compatible

9. Fjallraven Women’s Pak Down Vest, $250

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Cozy and packs down small enough to be a mid-layer, the Fjallraven® Pak Down Vest is also stylish enough with its slim fit to be worn as a top layer for nights out on the town in the cold.

  • Insulated with a super cozy combination of 700-fill down and synthetic Supreme Microloft.
  • The shell is weather resistant with reinforcements at the hem, on the pocket openings and inside the front opening for extra durability where it is most needed.
  • This versatile layer is packable and perfect for traveling, especially when you find yourself in quick-changing weather conditions.
  • Two-way front zip closure.
  • Zippered hand-warmer pockets.
  • Regular fit with a high collar.
  • Fabric 1: 100% polyamide
  • Fabric 2: 100% polyester
  • Insulation 1: 700-fill 95% goose down, 5% feather
  • Insulation 2: 100% polyester Supreme Microloft.

10. GoPro HERO5 Black, $399

#1 Seller on B&H! Its waterproof and self-adhesive features make it perfect for snow-bunny adventurers 😉

  • Supports 4K30, 2.7K60, 1080p120 Video
  • Capture 12MP Photos at 30fps
  • Ultra Wide Angle Glass Lens
  • Waterproof to 33′
  • Voice Control
  • Rear Touchscreen
  • Wi-Fi for Remote Monitoring and Control
  • Interval Capture for Time Lapse
  • Linear Video Mode Corrects Distortion
  • Flat and Curved Adhesive Mounts Included

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12 Days of #Christmas: ON THE 2nd DAY: WINE CONDOMS AND BEER-MAKING KITS, OH MY!

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‘Tis the season to get sauced. If there ever was one.

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Winter sucks our dog’s neutered balls in so many ways, but the bone-chilling freeze-out is its worst symptom and it can only be ameliorated by 2 things:

Excessive Layers

Booze

So the 3 most-wanted gifts this Christmas and holiday season for the wino in your life are:

1. Wine Condom

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Recorking is for the birds. It was only a matter of time before we humans used our best scientific minds to create a more convenient (and hilarious) method of resealing opened wine. Most recorking tools either require some complicated gizmo or gadget and/or are too chunky to fit in the fridge (see: bottle toppers).

Enter the miracle of wine condoms… so much like the real thing you can actually carry it in your pocket or wallet (just don’t carry it in the same pocket as actual condoms). They have a shrink-to-fit technology that suits virtually any bottle giving it a water-tight seal! No spillage here… and unlike real condoms, these are good for more than just one go; Just make sure you pre-stretch each condom before use first. I mean, foreplay is important.

2. Brooklyn Brew Shop Chocolate Maple Porter Beer Making Kitbrooklyn-brew-shop-beer-making-kit.jpg

As the brief promo video demonstrates, these kits make the hands-on experience of DIY beer-brewing not only easy and fun, but extremely scrumptious. Chocolate Maple Porter has the consummate winter zest: It combines the creamy and slightly sweet traits of the Chocolate Malt in its recipe with the thick richness of the maple syrup added into the ingredients at the end of the boil. For only $40, the kit’s equipment can be reused to brew other suds, as well.

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3. Wine Bra

Rejoice, for now the term “wine rack” has taken on a very literal meaning. While seeming a bit gimmicky at first blush, The WineRack might be actually one of the most pragmatic inventions for wine-lovers, beer drinkers, and overall libation enthusiasts everywhere:

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According to the company site, “the picture shown here is of our good friend, Drea, who is not, no offense, Drea, well-endowed.”

Three Obvious Reasons Why:

1. Sip your drink of choice (a bottle of wine, several pints of beer, or your favorite hard stuff) covertly at places and in situations in which they may not be permitted.

  • According to the retail website, this makes it ideal for “ball games, the movies, concerts and even PTA meetings.”
  • We will also add that you can easily sneak The WineRack into bars to avoid overpriced drinks and even parties where you don’t want to be noticed drinking alcohol.
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“The Mindy Project” on FOX famously used this bra as a hilarious plot device in a Christmas office party episode.

2. Catch everyone’s eye when you’re not taking sips through The WineRack’s tube with the significant boost to your cup size (the bra comes in Small, Medium, and Large– you can choose how big you want your twins to go on a scale of Beyoncé to Sofia Vergara).

  • Don’t worry about your bust deflating as you drink. If you can’t immediately refill the bra, simply blow into the tube to keep it looking full.

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3. If you are at a party where people do not have sticks up their butts, you will be the life of the party with this contraption, with people lining up to drink from your bosom (in a totally mischievous, non-creepy way):

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Ingenious, indeed. This is why the free capitalist market is beautiful.

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12 Days of #Christmas: ON THE 4th AND 3rd DAY: FOR THE RABID DOG-LOVER

LIL GRIPES DASH

Do you have a friend whose Instagram is basically their dog? (In our case, that’d be us)

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Short of getting that friend another dog (for the record, we wouldn’t mind it…), you can sate that canine fetish with gifts only the most devout of dog lovers would truly appreciate and deserve.

P.S. If you plan on acquiring a canine companion this holiday season, please, please, please do not do so via a breeder or a pet store. Dog purchases made through either proliferate the dreadful existence of puppy mills. Take it from personal experience: Most so-called breeders are just glorified puppy-millers… and you do not want us to show you pictures of what happens at puppy mills.

Onto happier stuff about puppies…

1. For the Art Enthusiast:

Custom Doggie Portrait

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Flaunt your pooch’s likeness in trendy fashion by having artist Kari Egan make an entirely original illustration off a photo of your dog (or cat). The artist customizes each portrait so that it “truly captures your dog’s unique look and personality.” According to Egan, “I usually feel the dog inhabit the drawing and from there it draws itself!” There is zero photo editing and/or manipulation involved in the process, be it with Photoshop or other software, giving each portrait that warm, fuzzy homespun feel.

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2. For the Dog Psychologist:

A Dog’s Guide to Humans (Fun Reads for Dog Lovers) (Volume 1)

Any dog owner worth his or her kibble points would give an arm and leg to even nab a sneak peek at what our dogs must think of us, as individual human beings and as a species. English canine behaviorist Karen Davison teamed up with Bob, her West Highlander Terrier, to “dogsplain” all the things humans do that must confound our pooches at first sight, including a comprehensive breakdown of human anatomy (e.g. humans’ bipedal use of “hind paws” to move) as well as tips and tricks on manipulating human owners into getting the best out of them.

The opening excerpt:

“Canines began to domesticate people some 14,000 years ago and, over time, have developed a mutually beneficial relationship with these monkey-type mammals. They are omnivores and are successful hunter-gatherers, so they generally supply bountiful food caches and usually provide more-than-adequate dens for us to share with them.”

3. For the Disciplinarian with a Funny Bone:

Dog Shaming 2017 Day-to-Day Calendar

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courtesy of DogShaming.Com

DogShaming.com is the hilarious 2016 Internet phenomenon that has enabled stern dog owners everywhere to publicly incriminate their canines with signs detailing their misdeeds. The best part of “dog shaming” is that all photos must be taken at the scene of the humiliating crime. Now, naturally, it’s spun off quite a few merchandising options, including a Day-to-Day Calendar. I mean, who doesn’t want 365 different captures of misbehaved pooches wearing the secular equivalent of hair shirts?

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Who doesn’t want 365 different captures of misbehaved pooches wearing the secular equivalent of hair shirts?

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4. For the Parents of Roamers:

Whistle GPS Pet Tracker

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Electric shock collars included, we are not big fans of most dog-oriented tech. Most are severely overpriced for doing a service the owner’s own instinct should be able to command. The Whistle GPS Pet Tracker is not one of these sham gadgets. At $100 upfront with a subscription cost of $8/month, we think it is reasonably priced for owners whose dogs frequent spacious pastures with lots of nooks and crannies in which to get lost. The GPS collar clip and charger station allow you to not only locate your dog in just minutes of activation, but also details their precise movements and monitors their exercise on any given day. It even comes with text and email alert options!

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5. For The Dog Who Has Everything:

Barkbox

With this subscription service starting at $20/box each month, every fresh delivery brings a buttload of exquisitely themed toys and treats for Poochie and You. For example, this December’s theme was LODGE LIFE:

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Our personal favorite is the Poo York City BarkBox:

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