A Look Back on My life as a Pop Superstar and Eminem’s Girlfriend

MY SPOTLIGHT on the beautiful, inspirational girls of NinjaAndBuckwild is still coming up next, as well as my SUPER-serious expose on the comedic mind of “Saturday Night Live” alum and every famous comedian’s best friend, Colin Quinn.

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Courtesy of Tampa Image Factory

Sue Seitler (L) and Kristin Eubanks Parmeter (R), the founders of Ninja And Buckwild; @sueninja and @kristinbuckwild on Instagram

Colin_Quinn_at_the_Weekend_Update_Desk @IAmColinQuinn on Twitter

In the meanwhile, in honor of the waning hours of #ThrowbackThursday, I thought we would journey back to the early 2000’s and dive into some good old-fashioned joshing at my behest. Of all the humiliating things I have done in privacy in my 26 years on Earth, keeping a diary as a fictional person takes the cake. By “fictional person,” I do not mean some generic idea of a pretty, idealized young woman–some reverse-funhouse image of my inner self… Nope, nope, my fictional person had a biography:

1. Her name: Jean Gellar

2. Her diverse ethnic breakdown–Jean was half-Chinese and 1/4 Irish and 1/4 Ashkenazi Jewish.

3. Her cousin was, naturally, actress Sarah Michelle Gellar.

4. She had a multi-platinum pop recording artist career.

5. She also was entangled in a surprisingly stable web of love with rapper Eminem and despite being EMINEM’S girlfriend, Jean never got dissed on song.

I wish I could cite a younger age for this activity but sadly, I was already in the throes of adolescence. I wrote harrowingly emotional journal entries as this “Jean” and I did so from age 12 through freshman year of high school.

Jean was an international pop star. Naturally, she had to have a webpage:

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Jean was going to write her own profile in The New Yorker on how she found her voice:

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Apparently, I was going to go to Clive Davis’s pre-Grammy party and apparently, I was going to steal Avril Lavigne’s song, “Complicated” from her and sing it at the Grammys and then do a duet with Norah Jones on her hit, “Don’t Know Why.” WHO THE FUCK IS JUSTIN? Timberlake? What did he do to you, Jean? Oh, poor Justin.

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Now, this is my favorite. If my relationship with Eminem was real, this would have been the most beautiful diary entry a girlfriend has ever written about her boyfriend and his daughter, Hailie.

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One major question: WHO THE FUCK IS ALFIE, 12-14 year old Lillian??

Goodbye, Jean Gellar. Goodbye, cousin Sarah Michelle. I got, like real-world probz to deal with now. I lay you and that part of my hyperactive imagination to rest. Forever?

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xx,

Lil

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Cheeseburgers and Sneakers: Getting Out of My Own Way

 #LILGRIPESLIfe

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Courtesy of Carl’s Jr.

WHEN I WAS 9 YEARS OLD, I became obsessed with McDonalds. One problem was that I hated the cheese that came with their burgers. “I’ll just have hamburgers for the rest of my life,” I thought. Except my 9 year-old self had a sneaking suspicion that this meant something far, far worse than me simply eating cheese. A terror steadily crept over me with each subsequent ham–not-cheese–burger order that I placed there: I was growing concerned that I would never recover from this fear of cheese and much. much worse…that something was horribly wrong with me. My fear of cheese was unnatural and unacceptable and would actually lead to my finally being shunned from society one day. I was the one with the problem, was the conclusion to which my 9 year-old self had jumped. From then on, I operated under the assumption that of all the toys in the children factory, I had come off the shelf with an inherent defect.

Skip forward or backward a few years, I was in gym class, changing for the first of several grade-school tennis lessons. All students had been instructed to wear white sneakers. Simple enough, right? Then, I quickly observed that while everyone else’s were traditional white lace-up Nikes, my sneakers were completely lace-less Keds (Who knows if they were actually Keds? I was a kid, for God’s sake–didn’t know where my shoes came from). So, as class progressed, my shoulders sloped further and further downward ’til I was just staring at my feet with the embarrassingly wrong white sneakers my mom had thoughtlessly purchased. Eventually, I made my way back to the locker room, eager to slip out of my white nightmares.

“Cute shoes!” Exclaimed one of my classmates.

“HUH” was my appropriately dumbfounded reply.

“Where did you get them? I really want a pair just like those! I hate these boring ones.”

“Um…WHAT?”

 

Not quite white Keds, but let’s say I feel better about my shoe choices these days…

About 20 years later, some few weeks ago from composing this blog entry, I connected these 2 completely isolated and seemingly insignificant incidents. The fear of cheese meant that I would be a social pariah forever. The non-Nikeness of my gym shoes meant that my whole family had terrible taste in shoes and that we basically couldn’t do anything right. On both occasions, I had jumped from point A to point D, point D being a place of utter and complete self-defeating delusion. Just because something was mine meant that it sucked.

I have always underestimated myself. Not that who I actually am is likely any greater than whom I have underestimated myself to be. I have just always been afraid to be myself, to be an original… Because I live with the constant fear that “myself” has never been and will never be quite good enough.

That’s why I have always attempted to copy what others ate, what others wore, the mannerisms with which they spoke, the facial expressions they have when they experience a particular emotion… Yes, it sounds totally “Single White (Asian?) Female,” but the truth is tragically less salacious–I have simply been afraid to be who I am and own what I own, lace-less sneakers and whatnot.

Well, welcome to the chronicles of the rebuilding of a woman from the ground-up. The Lillian Project, if you will. (Oh yeah, if you don’t like Mindy Kaling and/or “The Mindy Project,” you should just stop reading. And probably stop living)

Endnote: The last time I used a blog for personal reasons was chronicling my deep well of teen angst during HS years on Xanga …You guys remember Xanga. It was BlogSpot before it was Myspace before it was Facebook…before it was Tumblr and WordPress.

CUTE STUFF:

 photo courtesy of http://www.thedomesticgeekblog.com

I hope you stick around, my lovely readers. I promise I’ll try to entertain.

Much love, 

Lil

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Lifestyle Trend Watch: Zegna Dresses Up Maserati

A post from my time writing for a high-end men’s bespoke company in 2014

The Maserati Quattroporte-Ermenegildo Zegna Limited Edition

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At Badger & Welsh Bespoke, we adore Ermenegildo Zegna fabrics for custom-tailoring high-end suits, shirts, pants and ties. The world-renowned design house provides us and our clients with smooth silk fabrics and exquisite suits that seem to contour the wearers’ bodies with precise self-awareness.

Maserati, the Italian style authority of the motor-vehicle universe, apparently shares Badger and Welsh Bespoke’s state of mind as it has chosen Zegna to be its official designer for its limited edition, sixth-generation Maserati Quattroporte sedan. This collaborative project was first announced at the 2013 Frankfurt Motorshow and officially debuted this September at New York Fashion Week. As the final car model shows, the design process was significantly more involved than slapping one brand’s logo upon another’s product. Zegna and Maserati fully converged creative forces to create a luxury automobile equal parts Zegna and Maserati.

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Like any Zegna suit, the Quattroporte-Limited Edition is all about details. The refined exterior boasts an exclusively-developed coating called “Platinum Silk,” a metallic-y, café au lait finish intentionally reminiscent of fluid silk fabric. This luxurious effect, however, is not achieved so much through the color choice as it is through the depth and texture. A layering of extra-fine aluminium pigments upon the paint lends the impression that the car’s exterior is really a satiny flowing weave of metal.

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Perhaps more accurate a manifestation of the Zegna touch is the car’s interior. Crafted from specially-milled silk fabrics are the quilted seating, door panels, sunshades, and roof lining. The cabin is finished in warm colors–mocha and greige–with the seats and trim displaying a harmonious blend of classic and contemporary aesthetics. The seats combine ultra-fine grain leather with upholstery made from the same delicate, refined wool Zegna uses for suit-making. The trim of the interior, however, is made from open-pore walnut. As a finishing touch, the Ermenegildo Zegna Limited Edition comes with a spindle of spare Zegna silk among its 19 custom accessories, for the purpose of clean-up, you know, in case you ever spill something unsavory.

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The owner’s kit comes stocked with 9 Zegna items, including a leather weekend bag, sunglasses and a silk scarf with the same chevron motif as the interior trim.

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Front sunshades carry the fabric labels that read “Ermenegildo Zegna Exclusively for Maserati.”

On the flip side of the coin, like any Maserati, the Quattroporte-Ermenegildo Zegna Limited Edition does not simply rest on luxury and physical vanity. This is still an Italian sports car and even one who knows next to nothing about motor vehicles–yours truly, e.g.– knows that Italian cars don’t drive… they fly. This special-edition Quattroporte will not disappoint any aficionado of speed. The car is equipped with a twin-turbo V8 producing 523 horsepower and 524 pound feet of torque. It can achieve a 0-60 time of 4.6 seconds and a top speed of 191 mph. The car assuredly and safely accelerates free of any drama.

As with any high-end bespoke design, the Maserati Quattroporte-Ermenegildo Zegna Limited Edition arrives at a hefty price–$175,000 a unit. To be one of only 100 Quattroporte-Limited Edition owners in the world, however, does justify one’s bragging rights, explaining why 20 of these models have already been snatched up since the end of this September’s NYFW. Maserati has long prided itself on style in its brand distinction from its more conservative German competitors. With the artful help of Zegna, it has just raised the bar for not only style, but luxury, even higher in the sedan game.

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FROM THE ARCHIVES: Why Bespoke?

A post from my time at a high-end men’s bespoke company in 2014

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Berluti Fall 2014

Let’s talk about style… specifically, style to the average man. It usually connotes a sleek, tailored look: A crisp button-up, a sharp jacket and smoothed pant lines. Crisp, sharp, smooth—those are adjectives that most men would desire for their personal wardrobe, whether formal or casual wear. But lacking a formal—and informal—education in fashion styling, the average man finds the off-the-rack shopping experience… a harrowing one, fraught with pushy salesmen recommending jackets, pants and even shoes nowhere near what the customer had originally visualized in their minds.

Basically, that was a long-winded way of stating: The average man needs custom-made clothing. Body-skimming tailoring is one of the more dominant trends in menswear this Fall/Winter season. From big and boxy to slim silhouettes, extreme tailoring will be ubiquitous on men in late 2014. Berluti’s new chic tweed and wool ensembles utilize it, as do Fendi’s and Costume National’s jackets with fur and leather touches, respectively.

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Costume National Fall 2014

These slim, tailored looks can be intimidating and may even tempt you to double up on gym memberships. Lucky for all of us, bespoke clothing fulfills both this current tailored demand and the natural, perennial desire to have clothes contour to fit your body.

Now, the term “bespoke clothing” may conjure images of monocled, dapper British aristocrats in wool overcoats but it has actually come a long way from its patrician origins on London’s famous Saville Row. Originally intended to refer to high-end shirts and suits produced specially for the upper-upper British classes, “bespoke” now simply refers to any item designed for a customer on an one-off basis with no set pattern from which to begin.

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Fendi Fall 2014

The appeal of bespoke, or custom-made, clothing lies not in its class associations but in the freedom, ease and authority with which it provides its customer. With customer service being a cornerstone of the custom clothing industry, the average man’s shopping experience is painlessly expedited, with him assuming full control over his look, literally from head-to-toe. In the world of bespoke fashion, the clothes don’t speak for the man; the man speaks for his clothing.

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