I return to air tonight on CosmicGeppetto.com, probably in a bathrobe, to re-gush over Logan and its trifecta of Oscar-worthy performances in Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine, Dafne Keen’s X-23, and Sir Patrick Stewart’s Professor X. First things first, though, let’s summarize for ya our favorite piece of casting news this week: smoldering actress Serinda Swan (Graceland, Smallville) getting tapped as Medusa in the upcoming Marvel network TV series, Inhumans.
We will be on the Cosmic Geppetto show tonight (airing at a later time) to discuss the vaunted superhero film in-depth, raving about the many finer points of the experience like how X-23 comes in the adorable, unassuming package of an 11-year-old with all the wisdom of a thirty-something seared into her eyes. Or how all three stars deserve Oscar nods next year or we riot. ICYMI: Here is our must-read on the film, giving you a primer on the precocious prodigy who stole hearts all over theaters this last week.
Until We Share the Aired, Edited Version of Our Appearance,
Enjoy Lil’s Prior 2 Appearances on Cosmic Geppetto:
Meryl Streep aside, the 2017 Golden Globes was Textbook 101 in why award shows without live performances shouldn’t be on television at all.
(TL;DR: Being a public figure calls for a modicum of self-awareness, a trait these award shows and their attendees lack in shovels and spades.)
Why do we watch ceremonies like the Golden Globes in the first place? The 3 G’s: The glitz, the glamor, the gossip.
Some of us watch for what’s apparently on-trend in upcoming fashion seasons, some to see what certain celebrities’ new faces look like, and a marginally few even watch to support their favorite works of art or to bemoan which ones got good ol’ snubs:
What don’t we watch for?
Not one of us watches in hopes that Meryl Streep will share her stunning sociopolitical belief that Hollywood actors are in the marginalized segments of society… or that Clint Eastwood will start stumping for Trump in front of a chair (Right-wing or Left, STFU about your politics at entertainment award shows! It’s not a Nobel; thank your mama and get off the stage. Hold a press conference on your own time!). None of us watch, either, for our personal stake in the movies or shows getting showered with gold (quite literally). These televised ceremonies target viewers who have nil to do with the entertainment industry. All in all… we only watch because it’s a guilty pleasure, much like the Real Housewives of [insert city].
These broadcasts, year and year again, repeatedly show a willful ignorance of this fact. Instead, they opt for self-indulgence, not unlike our buddy King Lion here:
3 Compelling Reasons Why the “Award” Part of Award Shows Need Not Be on TV:
1. The lack of entertainment on a show celebrating entertainment:
We love Jimmy Fallon, but boy, did he fail Sunday at this whole hosting thing. Keeping with the theme of self-indulgence, Fallon opened with, in lieu of a raunchy, satirical monologue like his predecessors, a cutesy cold open that only those who have seen the film La La Land (which is 2% of Golden Globes viewers) will appreciate. The rest of the night was spent with him doing the intermittent ’80s hip-hop parody… because.
As someone who has watched the Oscars, Grammys, Golden Globes, etc. with glee from a very young age, I have only noticed this pattern in adulthood: The shows that invite cynicism from the viewers (mainly due to boredom) are ones that provide little in the way of comedy and/or live performances.
The Oscars, while still managing to be way too long each year, at least sprinkle musical performances throughout the evening. The Tonys are very much a show in that their theatrical skits encapsulate the magic of what the night was meant to celebrate in the first place. Same can be said for the Grammys; each year, people tune in for their favorite artists’ performances of their latest and greatest, capitalizing on the Grammys’ huge production budget.
Then there are “shows” like the Golden Globes and Emmys, which rely entirely on the talents of the host to eke by, praying for controversial moments that will end up talking points the following week. In the past, Ricky Gervais and the dynamic duo of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler have buoyed the Globes with politically incorrect jokes taking direct aim at Hollywood inhabitants in the room, assuming the point of view of those at home. When we the viewers hear Tina and Amy joke about where Leonardo DiCaprio likes his supermodels or a tipsy Ricky Gervais demand Mel Gibson explain what sugar t*ts are, we feel included in the night. A part of the glamor and self-celebration.
2. The insufferably self-important speeches relevant to no one not in the industry:
Ok, Meryl, try to “empathize” with this:
On a show in which every movie star is decked out like a show pony and liquored up to the nines, someone suddenly taking a moment to preach their political views to the masses is not only being tone-deaf, but appearing to hijack the entire night’s spotlight for themselves.
Besides Meryl Streep, Tom Hiddleston also failed to get this memo (or just ignored it in true lack of self-awareness). Accepting his trophy for his role in AMC’s The Night Manager, Hiddleston also took home the win for Biggest Humblebrag of the Night. He told a long story about how, on a trip to South Sudan, a bunch of Doctors Without Borders had approached him and claimed they binge-watched his miniseries while working to lend help to the war-torn region. Hiddleston declared how moved he was by “the idea that we could provide some relief and entertainment for people who are fixing the world in the places where it is broken.”
Essentially, he patted himself on the back for lending entertainment to the people risking their lives helping the less fortunate in Sudan. Scandal star Joshua Malina summed it best when he tweeted:
“Thank you to Tom Hiddleston and all actors who dare to perform in projects that are shown in some of the most dangerous parts of the world.”
3. The Inevitable Technical Malfunctions:
Not all actors are blessed with the gift of improv, which is fine, except when the Teleprompter fails and they have nothing to read.
Every goddamn year, without fail, the Golden Globes has at least one instance of this. This year, it happened as soon as Jimmy Fallon made his way to the stage. What we, the entertain-ees, are left with, is a steaming pile of blushed cheeks and Fallon hemming and hawing. What is it with Dick Clark Productions and uncoordinated tech? Maybe Mariah Carey is onto something. Maybe DC Productions is not trying to purposely sabotage the poor souls on stage, and ruin the viewing experience for all, but one does wonder: Are they comfortably incompetent because they are passively chasing that “moment” in this age of instant viral social media?
The 3 positives from this year’s Globes?
People who still wanted to entertain… and Me:
Steve Carrell and Kristen Wiig:
Blake Lively? She’s Been Slacking since Gossip Girl!
It’s all in the details. Of all the ShoptheWalkingDead.com products we’ve seen Chris Hardwick hawking on Talking Dead, he’s never highlighted this exquisitely charming (haha) beaut. The perennially trendy juxtaposition of black-and-gold offsets each dangling relic from a plotline on the show: the handcuffs Rick used on poor Merle, black and gold skulls, the wings on Daryl’s iconic vest, and Daryl’s crossbow… Basically, the Dixon brothers make for great accessory fodder.
For the ultimate bad-ass chick who also happens to love elegant, and deadly, home décor, place this high-carbon steel replica of Michonne’s katana (with an aluminum handle wrapped in leather and real ray skin) on its own wall mount in your living room. Or bedroom, if you’re into that kinda thing.
Friendly PSA: Adopt, don’t shop, a dog this holiday season.
Speaking of dogs… Hollywood has gone too far this time.
FIRST, they cast an Akita mix for the Jamie Foxx remake of Annie. Instead of the terrier-looking Sandy that has always been the titular orphan’s dog, Hollywood decided to do some progressive casting:
Annie and Sandy in the original movie and Broadway play:
Annie and Sandy and co. in the 2014 film remake:
An Akita… Typical liberals.
THEN…Emerald City, NBC’s complete reimagining of the classic Wizard of Oz tale (coming in January), decided to throw out the entire rulebook and make Toto, Dorothy’s beloved Cairn Terrier, A GODDAMNED GERMAN SHEPHERD!
A GERMAN SHEPHERD?! WHERE WILL THIS BLASPHEMY END?
After the full-throttle gorily emotional rollercoaster that was the season 7 premiere of The Walking Dead, fans and critics alike have been less than fond so far of this season’s so-called “bottle,” or standalone, episodes that only feature one or two main characters at once. Given the fast-approaching midseason finale this Sunday, the main characters of the show still seem to be on vastly different tracks, both literally and emotionally. Here is our map of where they all currently are:
STATE OF MIND: Scared but not broken. As of last night’s episode, when our bravest mini-general in the Walker Apocalypse took it upon himself to execute Negan out of retribution for Glenn and Abraham (and *surprise* failed), Carl found himself being psychologically toyed with and partially tortured by the man himself.
Side note about last night’s episode, the Negan/Carl moments were ripped frame for frame from the comics. Here are some panels that found their way almost word-for-word, frame-for-frame into “Sing Me a Song”:
click to enlarge images:
LOCATION: Held hostage along with Judith by Negan at Alexandria
STATE OF MIND: Entertained and fascinated thoroughly by Carl; Feeling awesome; After all, we got to see his wives in his harem finally:
LOCATION: Alexandria, along with Judith and Carl
STATE OF MIND: Good and pissed.
LOCATION: On the road, forcing a Savior at gunpoint to take her to Negan and his home, “The Sanctuary”:
Rick and Aaron:
STATE OF MIND: Desperate but determined
LOCATION: Trying to get to a houseboat surrounded by a moat of walker-floaters owned by one Leslie William Starton in a last-ditch effort for supplies for Negan
Rosita and Eugene:
STATE OF MIND: Defiant about handing their stuff over to Negan
LOCATION: Went to a factory and then back to Alexandria armed with a bullet Eugene just made in secret for Rosita
BEST: GAL GADOT, Batman v Superman (2016), Wonder Woman (2017)
Even the sad skinny-shamers who feared Gal Gadot would not fulfill the buxom legacy of Lynda Carter given her lithe and lanky frame were blown away by her ferociously sensuous poses in her full WW armor. Diana/Wonder Woman’s specific brand of sexy is defined not by cup size, but by her statuesque frame (√) , angelic facial features befitting those of a princess (√), and jet-black mane of perfectly tussled loose curls (√). Oh, and her supernatural combat skills (√√√). The naysayers shut themselves up once they saw Gadot in action sequences like these:
Thank ZEUS this unholy mix of latex and primary colors never made it past a pilot episode. True, it almost exactly resembles recent DC Comics’ artwork of Wonder Woman, but:
A) an armored breastplate and a sword/shield combo slung over WW’s shoulder is better-suited than cheap-looking rubber for a warrior princess (yes, Gadot’s WW costume looks very similar to that Xena’s. So what? They are both female warriors with stories tied deeply to ancient Greek mythology.)
and B) … does Superman run around in red underwear anymore? Answer: not since Dean Cain in 1993. Does Batman’s suit have nipples? Answer: Not since…let’s never bring it up again. How are we supposed to take Wonder Woman, one of the mightiest protagonists in the comics, seriously when her lasso looks like it’s made of tinsel and her corset seems to be a leftover top from someone’s “Slutty Nurse” Halloween costume? And, oh, her boots… They look like ones you would find at Payless upon which someone spray-painted a tarty layer of firetruck red.
“Thank ZEUS this unholy mix of latex and primary colors never made it past a pilot episode.”
Shame on you, the fashion-school dropouts behind Adrianne Palicki’s costume… The character and the actress both deserved better.
BEST: ANNE HATHAWAY, The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
By the final film of Chris Nolan’s Batman trilogy, we as moviegoers have learned to trust his creative judgment when it came to the DC-verse. That trust was reinforced stronger than ever by Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman costume. Catwoman’s costume has always been inherently seductive, with the all-black palette and requisitely skintight silhouette. We have seen many iterations of this facet in the comics and on the big and small screens, but Hathaway’s was the first in live-action to not only be sexy but extremely utile.
Her cat ears? They’re actually CONVERTIBLE GOGGLES! Protective glasses for when she’s racing that SICK ride of hers, along with a sensibly windproof leather jumper, utility belt and moto boots:
The Next-Gen bike for Catwoman is also not a random accessory tossed in to accentuate how high this film’s budget sat ($230 million, to be exact). Her new thrill ride enabled Selina Kyle the added bonus of luxuriating in a feline-on-all-fours stance often and very prominently. Hathaway (and her stunt double)’s backside and long legs were thus filmed to subtly play upon the character’s innate catlike qualities… without her having to make hissing noises every five minutes:
Honorable Mentions go to the 3 Catwomen of Batman, the 1960s Adam West small-screen vehicle:
For the time’s limitations, these three looks nailed the sex appeal of Catwoman without committing overkill:
For my Cat-and-Dog ensemble costume this Halloween with my poodle, I was instantly inspired by Julie Newmar (far left). Her ears. Her jumpsuit’s cowl neck. All it took for me to feel like her Catwoman was a pair of black leggings, a sleek Max Azria turtleneck and a homemade cat-ear headband:
WORST: HALLE BERRY, Catwoman (2008)
The photos speak for themselves. Halle Berry’s standalone venture displayed a complete lack of regard for its source material and a general lack of respect for direction as a motion picture. This main flaw was evident down to the catsuit. According to the film’s Oscar-winning costume designer, Catwoman’s wardrobe was intentionally cut down to dramatic shreds to juxtapose the protagonist’s “demure and repressed” past life with her sexually awakened “warrior goddess” existence after her supernatural encounter.
Okay… It doesn’t take a movie connoisseur to realize cinematic symbolism requires more than taking scissors to a character’s shirt and pants. Also, none of what Halle wears in “Catwoman mode” was even foreshadowed beforehand in the movie. Nor does any of it make sense. Sure, it kinda does if you suddenly had the urge to look like a human cat.
Why the shreds on her pants? Why open-toed heels? Why the weird X-belt contraption across her naked belly??? We appreciate artistic license and all, but a superhero’s costume is integral to the origin story and, therefore, must follow some set of logic.
Yes, she gets a random whip to accessorize.
“We appreciate artistic license, but a superhero’s costume is integral to the origin story and, therefore, must follow some set of logic.”
BEST: ALEXANDRA SHIPP, X-Men: Apocalypse (2016)
It is too often the sad truth that we naturally do better on the second try. It is also a sad coincidence that we are bashing poor Halle Berry’s clothes for the second time in a row. Shipp’s Storm costume and hairdo simply embraced the fieriness and regality of the Ororo Munroe character much better than her predecessor’s did.
The X-Men movies, including Apocalypse, never did the Storm character justice, but out of the two live-action adaptations, Shipp’s came closest. Lest we forget, Storm was the daughter of a Kenyan tribal princess. As a member of the X-Men, she was depicting wearing a tiara and a costume with a ruby and lightning bolt motif.
Shipp’s side-swept Mohawk mimics the tiara effect and the silver streaks down the front of her corset resemble lightning bolts. She also rocks the same gauntlets along her bare arms the way Storm did on comic book pages.
WORST: HALLE BERRY, all the other X-Men movies(starting in 2000)
Was Halle Berry auditioning to be the fourth (fifth?) member of Destiny’s Child in these movies? (Remember, it was the early 00’s). With an orange spray-tan and an unflatteringly silvery-white wig with lowlights to (un)match throughout the movies, she seemed less dressed to imitate a potent, regal mutant and more to rejuvenate Berry’s appearance in front of the Britney-crazed teeny-bopper moviegoers running rampant at the time.
Even compared to her fellow female X-Men in the casts, she always looked like the one pre-packaged most to look like a pop star rather than a superhero:
“Was Halle Berry auditioning to be the fourth (fifth?) member of Destiny’s Child in the X-Men movies?”