‘Tis the season to get sauced. If there ever was one.
Winter sucks our dog’s neutered balls in so many ways, but the bone-chilling freeze-out is its worst symptom and it can only be ameliorated by 2 things:
So the 3 most-wanted gifts this Christmas and holiday season for the wino in your life are:
1. Wine Condom
Recorking is for the birds. It was only a matter of time before we humans used our best scientific minds to create a more convenient (and hilarious) method of resealing opened wine. Most recorking tools either require some complicated gizmo or gadget and/or are too chunky to fit in the fridge (see: bottle toppers).
Enter the miracle of wine condoms… so much like the real thing you can actually carry it in your pocket or wallet (just don’t carry it in the same pocket as actual condoms). They have a shrink-to-fit technology that suits virtually any bottle giving it a water-tight seal! No spillage here… and unlike real condoms, these are good for more than just one go; Just make sure you pre-stretch each condom before use first. I mean, foreplay is important.
As the brief promo video demonstrates, these kits make the hands-on experience of DIY beer-brewing not only easy and fun, but extremely scrumptious. Chocolate Maple Porter has the consummate winter zest: It combines the creamy and slightly sweet traits of the Chocolate Malt in its recipe with the thick richness of the maple syrup added into the ingredients at the end of the boil. For only $40, the kit’s equipment can be reused to brew other suds, as well.
3. Wine Bra
Rejoice, for now the term “wine rack” has taken on a very literal meaning. While seeming a bit gimmicky at first blush, The WineRack might be actually one of the most pragmatic inventions for wine-lovers, beer drinkers, and overall libation enthusiasts everywhere:
Three Obvious Reasons Why:
1. Sip your drink of choice (a bottle of wine, several pints of beer, or your favorite hard stuff) covertly at places and in situations in which they may not be permitted.
- According to the retail website, this makes it ideal for “ball games, the movies, concerts and even PTA meetings.”
- We will also add that you can easily sneak The WineRack into bars to avoid overpriced drinks and even parties where you don’t want to be noticed drinking alcohol.
2. Catch everyone’s eye when you’re not taking sips through The WineRack’s tube with the significant boost to your cup size (the bra comes in Small, Medium, and Large– you can choose how big you want your twins to go on a scale of Beyoncé to Sofia Vergara).
- Don’t worry about your bust deflating as you drink. If you can’t immediately refill the bra, simply blow into the tube to keep it looking full.
3. If you are at a party where people do not have sticks up their butts, you will be the life of the party with this contraption, with people lining up to drink from your bosom (in a totally mischievous, non-creepy way):
Ingenious, indeed. This is why the free capitalist market is beautiful.