FILM: Come Along with Me as I Rewatch “Star Wars: Attack of The Clones”

IT IS A NEW YEAR and a new Star Wars, believe it or not. I say that because I was, like, 12 when I first watched Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. That suggests two things:

a) I am old AF and

b) for every generation, there is a Star Wars film that defines it. For my generation, the Millennials as we are casually known, it was, unfortunately, Attack of the Clones. Before I watched this new generation of kids’ Star Wars, I wanted to delve into some nostalgia and rewatch this monumentally epic and inane blockbuster.

Here are my live thoughts as I watched along:

[4:29 minutes] LMAO at Yoda sitting with the big boys! God, I love him:

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[5:36] Why does Natalie Portman have an Afro at the beginning (and only at the beginning)?

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[6:29] Wow, Rose Byrne’s career has really skyrocketed since this movie. I don’t think anyone saw what a babe and superstar she was underneath those frumpy robes:

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[7:08] YAY! HOT DARTH VADER!

To everyone who criticized Hayden Christensen’s acting (and that’s everyone), you can see him simultaneously straining to cover his Canadian accent throughout the film. What’s Portman’s excuse?

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[7:53] Wouldn’t it be funny if Jar Jar Binks just got decapitated as he was talking?

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[12:24] Did George Lucas paraphrase the romantic dialogue in this movie from gay pornos?

“I would much rather dream about Padme…

[Awkward, prolonged pause in front of another heterosexual man]

… Just being around her is intoxicating.”

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[14:07] “I sense [Palpatine] is a good man.” What a dummy. Oh you stupid, stupid fool, Vader.

[26:06] Was Palpatine touched as a kid? Everything about his looks, personality and presence would indicate as such.

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[35:20] Are Jedis allowed to, as the kids say, “do it?” Basically, are they just a bunch of magical warrior-monks sworn to celibacy?

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[39:14] HOLY CRAP, ANAKIN IS SUCH A WHITE KNIGHT… The thirst for some Padme is REAAAL with this one.:

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[46:19] As with all cinematic clone reveals, this one was creepy as hell, especially the infant batches:

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[50:12] Twins Luke and Leia have way better chemistry than their parents ever did:

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[51:15] Wait a minute, is Jango where Quentin Tarantino got the inspiration for “Django” from? No, that’s stupid.

[52:20] Is Jango Fett sterile? Re: wanting the cloners to produce his son Boba using their cloning technology. And is he sterile because of Jedis–because he really hates those mother-effers.

[59:00] Thank you, gratuitous, orgasm-like Anakin scene:

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[1:05:00] F*ck lightsabers. If I were a Jedi, I would just concentrate all my training on usage of the Force. If you are telekinetic, why rely on a weapon you have to keep track of all the time?

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[1:16:46] The Trade Federation’s red-eyed Viceroy is supposed to be Asian. I know I heard him mispronounce a “R.”

[1:27:42] Awkward LOLs at Anakin saying “I miss you” at his mom’s funeral. You just saw her! I know she’s, like, dead and all, but come on.

[1:30:21] All those high-ranking Jedi in the same room as Palpatine and not one feels even the smidge of evil sweating off that creeppppp.

[1:34:21] JAR JAR, YOU DOLT! Thinking that that’s what Padme would have wanted, he, in her stead, proposed to give Emperor-like powers to Palpatine. Jar Jar Binks singlehandedly started the Clone Wars.

[1:40:06] Oh sh!t! What I said should happen to Jar Jar LITERALLY just happened to C3PO– really laughing my ass off…

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[1:44:50] Where the hell did Amidala get a key to her handcuffs from?

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[1:47:37] Gotta say, watching Padme kick some alien-monster butt (and, henceforth, her character becoming useful rather than a burden) was satisfying.

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[1:50:12] “This party is over.” And with four words, #LineOfTheMovie:

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[1:51:08] Wait, did Obi-Wan and Anakin just…cross swords?

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[1:53:21] Why is there no head inside the helmet when Mace Windu decapitates Jango Fett? Not even later when Boba Fett picks up his dad’s helmet and stares at it for this foreshadowing tableau:

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[1:56:26] I totally forgot the Clones did something nice before being controlled by the Sith.

vklo[2:00:01] Epic Death Star mention! This movie’s third act belongs in a far superior film.

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[2:03:50] When did Padme magically lose the bottom half of her shirt? (Mind you, this was the year 2002, when Britney was at her “I’m not that innocent” peak.)

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[2:07:34] After this point in time, whenever someone gets his or her forearm chopped off in battle onscreen, you should have been able to say, “Oh shit! They got Luke–or Anakin–Skywalkered!”

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[2:07:54] “I’m just a feeble old man.”

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[2:08:17] Oh shiiit, no I ain’t!

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HIGHLIGHT OF MOVIE. NO NEED TO GO FURTHER. DAMNNN, Palpatine and Count Dooku played the Jedi like Cowboys and Indians!

Stupid Jar Jar.

Also, Rest in Peace, Christopher Lee.

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