A Look Back on My life as a Pop Superstar and Eminem’s Girlfriend

MY SPOTLIGHT on the beautiful, inspirational girls of NinjaAndBuckwild is still coming up next, as well as my SUPER-serious expose on the comedic mind of “Saturday Night Live” alum and every famous comedian’s best friend, Colin Quinn.

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Courtesy of Tampa Image Factory

Sue Seitler (L) and Kristin Eubanks Parmeter (R), the founders of Ninja And Buckwild; @sueninja and @kristinbuckwild on Instagram

Colin_Quinn_at_the_Weekend_Update_Desk @IAmColinQuinn on Twitter

In the meanwhile, in honor of the waning hours of #ThrowbackThursday, I thought we would journey back to the early 2000’s and dive into some good old-fashioned joshing at my behest. Of all the humiliating things I have done in privacy in my 26 years on Earth, keeping a diary as a fictional person takes the cake. By “fictional person,” I do not mean some generic idea of a pretty, idealized young woman–some reverse-funhouse image of my inner self… Nope, nope, my fictional person had a biography:

1. Her name: Jean Gellar

2. Her diverse ethnic breakdown–Jean was half-Chinese and 1/4 Irish and 1/4 Ashkenazi Jewish.

3. Her cousin was, naturally, actress Sarah Michelle Gellar.

4. She had a multi-platinum pop recording artist career.

5. She also was entangled in a surprisingly stable web of love with rapper Eminem and despite being EMINEM’S girlfriend, Jean never got dissed on song.

I wish I could cite a younger age for this activity but sadly, I was already in the throes of adolescence. I wrote harrowingly emotional journal entries as this “Jean” and I did so from age 12 through freshman year of high school.

Jean was an international pop star. Naturally, she had to have a webpage:

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Jean was going to write her own profile in The New Yorker on how she found her voice:

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Apparently, I was going to go to Clive Davis’s pre-Grammy party and apparently, I was going to steal Avril Lavigne’s song, “Complicated” from her and sing it at the Grammys and then do a duet with Norah Jones on her hit, “Don’t Know Why.” WHO THE FUCK IS JUSTIN? Timberlake? What did he do to you, Jean? Oh, poor Justin.

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Now, this is my favorite. If my relationship with Eminem was real, this would have been the most beautiful diary entry a girlfriend has ever written about her boyfriend and his daughter, Hailie.

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One major question: WHO THE FUCK IS ALFIE, 12-14 year old Lillian??

Goodbye, Jean Gellar. Goodbye, cousin Sarah Michelle. I got, like real-world probz to deal with now. I lay you and that part of my hyperactive imagination to rest. Forever?

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xx,

Lil

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